How to Incorporate a Business Mentality in Marriage
My husband and I were both entrepreneurs long before we ever said “I do.” Since graduating with a B.A. in Business from Arizona State University in 2011, I have owned multiple small businesses, including three LLCs (currently ranging from 5 to 11 years in business) and a direct sales business that thrived for over 6 years. I started my very first small business, Kids Biz, back in 2000; my friend and I taught acting classes to our siblings and other kids we knew out of her parents’ garage. Steve co-owns and runs an Esports company, SAK Gaming, and has done so since 2014, turning it into his full time gig after their first year in business. His first small business was buying candy at wholesale prices and then selling it to his elementary school classmates for profit… until he was shut down because he was violating a school policy by “being in competition” with the company that sold food to the cafeteria. We’ve also both produced our own podcasts, which are not technically businesses (yet), but require just as much work as our other entrepreneurial endeavors.
Through our share of ups and downs over the 8+ years that we’ve been together (more than half of them married), Steve and I have found that structuring our marriage similar to how we run our businesses has been one tool for success. That is not to say that our marriage is a well-oiled machine (not even close), but we have found - through trial and error - that there are some parallels between what we do as a couple and what we do in business that yield positive results. We have weekly (or bi-weekly) “marriage business meetings” for each of the following categories: scheduling, finance, inventory, team building, and development. It is not always easy to make time for these meetings, but when we don’t have them, it negatively impacts our relationship. In fact, our marriage struggles in the same way that a business might struggle by not prioritizing each of these departments, which is why they are each so important. Marriage is a contract and it deserves the time and attention that we give to any other business contract we sign.
Marriage is a contract and it deserves the time and attention that we give to any other business contract we sign.
Here is a breakdown of each category:
scheduling
We have our scheduling meeting at the beginning of every week, preferably on Sunday night.
Prior to the meeting, we update our digital calendars. We have synced calendars on our iPhones (mine is in purple and Steve’s is in blue) so that we can see each other’s work schedule and other appointments for the week. I also add any appointments for our son (Dax) and our dog (Penny Lane) to the digital calendar, and then update the paper calendar that hangs in our kitchen. Since the hanging calendar has limited space, I only notate appointments or events that are not regular to our routine. For example, if I am working an event, I put that on the calendar, but I don’t write out my office hours, because they are roughly the same every week.
This meeting usually only takes 5 to 15 minutes, depending on how busy our schedule is for that week.
We start by reviewing everything that is currently on the calendar and decide how to fit in any flexible appointments, such as when each of us will exercise or which day is best to pick up the groceries. Once we know which day we are getting the groceries, we plan a time to put the shopping list together. Then we add each of our other marriage business meetings.
The first meeting we schedule is date night, which is typically Friday or Saturday night (usually Saturday), but varies based on if Dax’s grandparents want to take him overnight one of those nights, or if one of us has a work event on either of those nights.
Next, we make sure there is additional time somewhere in the week for us to have quality time, which is shorter than a date night. If it is a more open/flexible week, we don’t necessarily need to schedule this, but on weeks where our calendar is packed, we add an appointment for quality time.
After that, we add relationship time. This is an hour of time dedicated to improving our relationship, which ranges from reading a book together (ex. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) to a couple’s therapy session (more on this in the development section).
Lastly, we decide if we need to have a budget meeting that week. Our budget meetings are often held bi-weekly, unless we have an unexpected expense to discuss (more on this in the finance section).
finance
As I mentioned above, our budget meetings are often bi-weekly, so we usually have 2-3 per month. These meetings take 30 minutes to an hour. The more frequently we meet, the shorter they are. The last budget meeting of each month is typically the longest because we are wrapping up one month and preparing for the next month at the same time.
We use Dave Ramsey’s Every Dollar website (it’s free!) to track all of our income and expenses. It is a zero-based budgeting system that helps us categorize how every dollar of our budget is spent. We have used it for almost 3 years and it works really well for us.
For one of our budget meetings, we meet on (or close to) the last day of the month to review our budget for that month.
If we are under budget for the current month, then we decide where to allocate the extra funds.
If we have any outstanding debt (such as a car payment or a medical bill), we apply extra funds to that first.
If we do not have any outstanding debt, then we add the money to savings.
If we are over budget for the current month, then we either pull money from savings or transfer the overage to next month’s budget, and treat that amount like an additional expense. For example, if we overspend on groceries by $50, then we reduce next month’s grocery budget by $50 or take $50 away from another line in next month’s budget to balance it out.
Once we have reconciled the current month, we copy the budget over to create the upcoming month’s budget, and make adjustments as needed.
We want the next month’s budget finalized before that month begins, which is another reason why we schedule this meeting on the last day of the current month or a few days prior.
The base income from our careers is generally the same month to month, but my side jobs are more variable, so we start by adjusting those lines as needed for the next month. For example, the total hours of dance or barre classes I teach fluctuates (especially for the past year), so that income line is updated monthly. We always make sure our income lines are set before we start planning for our expenses.
The first expenses we update are our concrete bills (aka: anything with a guaranteed amount for that month). It is important to know which of our bills are bi-monthly or annual, so that they are updated correctly on each month’s budget to avoid any surprise charges.
Our mortgage payment is the same, so we leave that line as is, but increase/decrease the lines for electricity and other utilities per the bills we receive.
Our pest control service is bi-monthly, so we alternate adding that charge and changing that line to zero each month.
Most of our entertainment subscriptions (ex. Netflix, Hulu, Spotify, and Disney+) are the same every month, but once per year we have to add the charge for Amazon Prime.
Next we adjust our flexible expenses, such as childcare (how many days do we need this month?), gifts (do we have any birthdays or weddings this month?), or hair appointments (Steve goes monthly, but I get my hair done 2-3 times per year). This is also when we would account for an overage from the previous month, if needed.
After we have made all of the necessary adjustments, Every Dollar tells us how much we have left to budget or if our expenses are exceeding our income.
If we have extra money to budget, we either move it to savings, apply it to a debt, or add it to a flexible budget line, like restaurants or date night. We can always pull the extra funds out of those flexible lines at our next budget meeting if we need to allocate the money somewhere else, such as an extra day of daycare.
On the flip side, we may have to pull money out of a flexible lines to accommodate an overage somewhere else, like if our income is lower or if we have extra non-negotiable expenses for that month.
The last step for this meeting is one more review of the whole budget and each of us giving our (figurative) stamp of approval.
If we do not have any unexpected expenses, we only need to do one more budget meeting per month, and it usually falls near the middle of the month.
This meeting is typically much shorter than the end-of-the-month meeting. It is a relatively quick check in (15-20 minutes) to make sure we are on track with our spending. If we are over in one category, then we know that we either have to plan better for that category during the next couple of weeks, or we need to shuffle some funds from another category into that one to make sure we are covered for the rest of the month.
We pay a lot of bills with our credit card (I love earning points almost as much as I love using coupons) and then take the cash amount for those bills to pay off the credit card every month. Since our payment is due at the beginning of the month, our middle-of-the-month budget meeting is a good opportunity to check for any unexpected charges on our credit card. If something pops up, we have time to dispute it (if it is incorrect) before our next payment is due, or we add it to our budget and make adjustments for the rest of the month as needed.
If we do have an unexpected expense (like a new car battery), then we try to have a budget meeting ASAP to decide how to accommodate it.
The earlier this falls in the month, the easier it is to make cuts to the more flexible lines of our budget. We can pull a lot from one line or a little bit from multiple lines to make up the difference.
When this falls toward the end of the month, it is harder to adjust the budget because a lot of that month’s income has already been spent. If we are unable to pull from other budget lines, this is when we would pull from our emergency savings (if we need the cash flow) and/or make changes to the following month’s budget.
inventory
Inventory includes any consumable goods we need for our home, ranging from groceries to cleaning supplies. I keep reminder lists in my phone for each of the stores that we regularly visit, and add items to those lists throughout the week when I notice we are running low or out of something (ex. distilled water for Dax’s humidifier).
We have scheduled weekly grocery pick-ups from Fry’s for the last few years and it has been beneficial in multiple ways.
It is a HUGE time saver! While Fry’s offers this service for free now, there used to be a $5 fee. Even though that fee added up to $260 per year, Steve and I decided that for the hour it would take one of us to do the grocery shopping, the $5 fee was worth paying because an hour of our time is more valuable than $5. We love that this service is currently free, but even if it went back to $5, we would still be willing to pay for it.
It helps us stay within our budget. By putting everything into our virtual cart, we can see exactly what we are going to spend before we checkout. It is simpler to remove items from our online cart than it would be to have the cashier cancel items at the register to avoid overspending our grocery budget.
It is easier to get what we actually need.
We start by creating our weekly meal plan (focused mostly on lunches and dinners) based on our schedule for that week; this determines who is cooking which meals, when we are making our own meals, and which meals we need to pick up (this is important since those come out of our restaurant budget).
Next, we add all of the ingredients needed for each meal on our plan, check/add inventory for items we regularly keep in stock (eggs, bread, butter, etc.), and add any items on my reminder list to our virtual cart.
Lastly, we review all of the recipe ingredients needed for our meal plan before we checkout. This step (usually) saves us from making an extra trip to the store that week for any forgotten ingredients.
It prevents impulse buying. Ordering everything online keeps us from buying items we don’t really need, which we are both guilty of doing while shopping in the store, and that helps us stay within out budget as well.
We don’t have to get out of the car. This is awesome on any day (especially when running errands with a toddler), but it is even more appreciated during the hot summer months here in Arizona, when you can practically feel yourself melting while walking across the parking lot.
Since my allergy medicine is significantly cheaper at Costco ($5 vs $22 at other stores), but can only be purchased every 15 days due to restricted ingredients, we have to make two trips to Costco each month. Our Costco list is limited to roughly a dozen items at most, so it is pretty easy to determine what we need before each trip.
Our usual Costco list includes the following items purchased as needed:
My allergy medicine
Toilet paper
Paper towels
Dishwasher soap pods
Penny Lane’s dog food
Dax’s Diapers
Items that are only available at Costco or a much better deal to purchase there, such as Heavenly Hunks and Milton’s Gluten-free Crackers for me or cases of soda and a giant box of Cheez-Its for Steve
Target
We usually have a weekly Target order, but we schedule it after we pick-up from Fry’s, just in case there are items that the grocery store did not have in stock.
In addition to being a back-up option for out-of-stock groceries, there are certain items we can only get at Target, like Dax’s favorite yogurt pouches.
Household items and toiletries are often a better price at Target than the grocery store, so we include those in this order as well.
Target recently started offering a drive-up option for online/app orders, which has been awesome because it has all of the same benefits as scheduling a pick-up from Fry’s.
Miscellaneous trips to Sprouts, Walgreens, Ulta, etc.
Outside of Fry’s, Costco, and Target, we occasionally need to go to other stores for vitamins, cosmetics, or specialty items. We try to consolidate these trips by keeping a running list of what we need from each of these stores throughout the month. This not only helps with minimizing how often we frequent these stores, but also helps us plan for our budget.
If I need to pick-up vitamins from Sprouts, there are a few specialty food and beverage items I like to get from there as well, so I plan my list in advance and we add lines in the budget for those items.
I also like to make custom birthday cards through Walgreen’s website (they are easy to create and less expensive than buying a standard card, plus they always have coupons), so I try to coordinate printing any upcoming birthday cards around the same time I have to go there to pick up any medications.
team building
Date night is scheduled once per week, and we try to designate at least 4-6 consecutive hours for this time together.
If we have the opportunity for someone to watch Dax overnight, we try to use that as our date night so that we can focus on each other without interruptions If Dax is home with us, then his bedtime routine ends up being part of date night.
Before the pandemic, a typical date night would include going out to dinner at a restaurant, an interactive activity (ex. playing games at Dave & Buster’s), and catching a movie (we both love fresh popcorn as much as we love seeing the latest flick). For the past year, date night has included picking up dinner or having it delivered, an interactive activity at home (Carcassonne and Mario Kart are our favorites right now), and then watching a movie or multiple episodes of a TV show.
While we spend some quality time together throughout the week, date night gives us an opportunity to connect in multiple ways (intellectually, emotionally, physically, etc.), so it is a great opportunity to recharge our relationship. Whether we are out or at home for date night, we try to converse without distractions throughout the evening, and keep our phone usage to a minimum.
We also focus on our love languages as part of team building.
My love language is quality time, so it is important to me that we have quality time built into the schedule every week between date nights. If there’s an opportunity to fit in some extra quality time, Steve knows that will help “fill my bucket.” The majority of our quality time needs to be focused interaction with each other (like sitting together and chatting on the couch), but if we have a longer block of time, we may watch an episode of a TV show or play a short game too.
Steve’s love language is words of affirmation. I have a daily alert on my phone that reads “words are important.” This reminds me (at 7 a.m. each morning) to think about how my words - positive and negative - will affect him, and encourages me to find ways to affirm him throughout the day. While this isn’t scheduled on the calendar, it does pop up in my phone notifications, and I do not mark it “complete” until I’ve said at least one positive affirmation to him for that day.
development
Relationship time is something we started doing years ago per the advice of our therapist. When we consistently make time for relationship development (along with everything mentioned above), it has actually helped us reduce how often we go to therapy. We schedule one hour per week that is dedicated to improving our relationship and connection with one another.
These are some of the books we have incorporated into relationship time:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger
Eight Dates by John Gottman
Couple’s therapy has helped us a lot, though the frequency in which we have seen a therapist has varied throughout our relationship. When it comes to therapy, I like to analogize our relationship to a car and our therapist to a mechanic. Sometimes you take the relationship in for routine maintenance (like an oil change); sometimes you know that something is not working correctly and need a professional to help you fix it.
In college I took a courtship and marriage class, during which our instructor repeatedly told us that “trust, honesty, and communication” were the three keys to a successful relationship. Of those three things, communication is the one that couples struggle with most often. It has taken years for Steve and I to find the best communication tools for us to use, especially when it comes to resolving conflict. Having a therapist to mediate difficult conversations and suggest methods of communication for us to use on our own has helped us immensely.
If there is something wrong with your physical health, you see a doctor or specialist to help you resolve or manage the problem. I firmly believe that mental health and relationship health should be handled the same way. The difference between a therapist you see on your own and one you see as a couple is that the client of your individual therapist is you and the client of your couple’s therapist is your relationship. This means your couple’s therapist is going to advise based on what is best for your relationship without bias.
I hope you enjoyed learning about our marriage business meetings and maybe found a few ideas to try in your own relationship. It has taken us almost NINE years - 5 years of marriage plus the nearly 4 year that we were dating/engaged - to figure out what systems work best for our relationship and implement them into our routine. I’m sure our marriage business meetings will continue to evolve throughout our relationship, but this is what works for us right now. If you found this content helpful, I would greatly appreciate it if you would share it with a friend or even on your social media.